It better come with a $50 bill

Dear DC,

Using the cracktastic prices asked by Amazon marketplace sellers as a guide, I have come to the conclusion there is some demand for Superman: Secret Identity to be put back into print. Please get on that.

Sincerely,
Thomas Denton.

The funniest thing Sinbad ever did

This one's for my pal Jesse.

I've always loved Saturday Night Live. I know it's more miss than hit (and whatever your particular era, it was then too, even the original guys), but it's an institution. Just because, SNL meets Superman.

The original not ready for prime-time players play super-heroes. It's... awkward. But Bill Murray in a Superman costume and Margot Kidder stumbling through half recalled lines is worth something, right?



When Superman died in the 90s, they did a sketch about his funeral. It's actually not bad. It's funny to see the actors clearly find the material and costumes awkward again, but not so much as the last one. Al Franken actually looks just like the late 80s Luthor. I shamefully steal this link from Chris.


Wrestler turned actor the Rock as Superman. It's got a tired but potentially amusing premise, but it's really poorly done. Bad acting, bathroom humor, and it degenerates into an exercise in junior high homophobia. I may be biased though, the 3 SNL players are some of my least favorite ever.


Hugh Jackman as Supes, Will Ferrell as Jor El. This one's pretty bland. Again with the gay jokes, but at least this time it's just unfunny and not mean.


I couldn't find my favorite sketch, one featuring Christopher Reeve auditioning for the part of Superman. That's a shame, because it's actually funny, as opposed to much of what you've just seen. YOU FAIL ME AGAIN, INTERNETS!

Edited to add this one mentioned in the comments: Seinfeld as Superman with the genius Phil Hartman.

The Ten Worst Moments in Superman History

Long time readers have been weirded out, appalled and bored by this series for a while now. Well, here it is in all its glory.

Why did the last two parts take so long? Well, they were things I've already covered here at SIB when this site first started up and I wasn't sure how to handle their inclusion in this series. Should I retread that ground? Repost the earlier entries? In the end, I decided to just update the old entries a bit and add the 10 worst header.

Finally in its entirety, what I feel to be the ten worst ideas in Superman history (in no particular order):

You can see them all on the same page here, or you can see them individually by following the links below:

"You know what Superman's rogues gallery is missing? Child-murdering pedophiles."

"Give him a very large gun. Oh, and put some Nazis in it. It'll be awesome."

"Grant Morrison? Pssh, that guy's got nothin' for us."

"He's an icon that's lasted decades the world over as is, but! What if we made him blue? I just blew your mind, didn't I?"

The musical. That's right. And there's video.

"I heard a rumor once that women are people, just like men! That's just silly."

"Code against killing? Can't just be because it's wrong! That needs some splainin'."

"Hey, let's put him in porn with another super-hero's wife!"

"You know what'd be hilarious? If we got him drunk!" "You're drunk right now, aren't you?"

"GORE! VISCERA! GUTS!"

So why didn't I include Superman IV? Honestly, horrible as it is (and it is god-freaking-awful) it always just kind of struck me as harmlessly stupid. It didn't kill the franchise, there were sequels in the works and eventually we got one, and it lived on in several tv series and such. There's nothing that's just flat out offensive about it, I don't think. Just bad. Very, very bad.

And please keep in mind, this list by no means makes claims to being definitive and absolute. If you loved anything herein, I'm glad there's something in the Superman mythos that's brought you joy. This is just my personal opinion based on the Superman lore I've been exposed to over the years.

JUSTICE HEROES LEAGUE GO!

I went to the flea market! What did I find? The greatest superhero team ever!



JUSTICE HEROES LEAGUE ROLL CALL!

With Spider-bat!

With poorly translated name and weird arrow thing!

With slightly less suck!

With appalling show of poor taste!

With light up and roaring action and more awesome than you can handle!


Best three bucks I ever spent.

SIB will KILL YOU TO DEATH.

Okay, i know I said no more, but I just saw this and had to comment some where:



You know, i like the idea of an Evil Superman out there. It's a classic device, the evil twin. But the road they've taken to make Superman Prime. Good lord. He will kill you. Kill you to death! Maybe the silly dialog is meant to emphasize that he's a boy in a man's body. To me all it emphasizes is the dumb. You all have a homework assginment:

I want I WILL KILL YOU TO DEATH! to be an internet thing. I want to see it popping up on message boards as a retarded catchphrase by the end of the weekend, people!

By the way, should any one want to just chat about Supes some time while this is laying cold and abandoned until I have more time for it, the you can use SIB's google account to get in touch any time you like through gmail or google talk; sayitbackwards@gmail.com

It could have been worse: addendum

A while back I walked you through the amazing journey that ultimately led to Superman Returns. The trip included invasions from Krypton, giant spiders, fierce battle logos and Kevin Smith. Apparently, that journey was not unique, as Superman movie treatments that just scream "Maybe Richard Pryor isn't so terrible," are not new.

I link you to Ilya Salkind's outline for Superman 3, courtesy of Superman Cinema. (Thanks to Guan for linking me.)

Some highlights include Superman in love with Supergirl, Brainiac being Supergirl's adoptive father AND in love with her, Mxy showing up out of no where in the middle of the movie, Superman jousting, and my favorite bit, a trip back in time to Brainiac's castle in feudal Europe. Yeah. Enjoy!

The 10 Worst Moments in Superman History, a series

In the late 90s, after all the spiked sales from gimmick events like the Death of Superman, the electric powers, the marriage, the death of Clark Kent, the marriage of electric Lois to Clark Kent's corpse and so on, it was decided the Superman titles need a creative shot in the arm. New teams across the board.

Now the guys that handled the revamp weren't terrible. They just didn't do the best job ever. Others wanted the job though.

Eddie Berganza, the man who said "You can do whatever you want," to get Chuck Austen on board, didn't think the fellows who wanted the job were what the titles needed. The men in question?

Grant Morrison, Mark Waid, Mark Millar and Tom Peyer.

Yeah. They got together, made a proposal to revitalize Superman and make him a best seller again. And Berganza said no.

One of them is working on Superman today. And it's one of the best selling titles in comics.

Saying no back then? That was just stupid.

The 10 Worst Moments in Superman History, a series

"This is thing. I hate comics and the people who read them. So this what I'm going to do, I'm going to give Superman the stupidest costume i can think of, make his powers electrical in nature, and then I'm going to double the suck by splitting him in two."

Superman #123 (May 1997) - Superman Forever (June 1998) (That's right, this crap lasted over a YEAR.)













Are there any lawyers reading this out there? How hard would it be to get a court order keeping Dan Jurgens 500 feet away from any materials used in the creation of comic books at all times?

Five Superman story devices I don't need to see again any time soon

One of the reasons I love the pre-crisis Superman so much was because the stories were so damn varied. They had to come up with crazy ideas because back then there were up to a dozen Superman stories a month going out (comics had 2 or 3 stories an issue back then).

So while plots repeated back then, they were never lazy. The plots involved Superman as he was, they played the ball where it laid. These days, not so much. There's a handful of plots and shortcuts writers who don't have the imagination to tell Superman stories with have used to make it easier waaay too often. I'm sick of 'em. They can be done well, but they're used so often and so poorly they just bore the hell out of me these days.

Over done device 1: "Oh no! Superman's body has been taken over by some evil force!"
Hacky writer guys says: "Hmm, I can't think of a credible threat for Superman this month, so I'll make it so he has to be defeated by others! I'm a genius! No one's ever thought of that before! I'm really making the reader think about what it'd mean to have Superman around now!"
Thomas says: If you could come up with something to defeat a threat like Superman, why couldn't you have had Superman use that to defeat a threat equal to him? We've seen Superman go rogue before. We know what happens. Batman shows up with a needle of kryptonite and Superman says, "I'm glad some one I trust has that!"

Over done device 2: Turning the staff of the Daily Planet into a soap opera while we get like 3 pages of Superman doing something.
Hacky writer guys says: "Superman's missing that human element, but we'll connect to the readers every day problems through his supporting cast!"
Thomas says: Yeah, we don't care if Ron Troupe can't make his rent this month.

Over done device 3: Superman's depowered to a great degree or entirely so there's some sort of tension then lucks his way out of the problem instead of using his brain.
Hacky writer guys says: "Writing Superman is hard!"
Thomas says: You suck.

Over done device 4: Superman says, "I don't think I've ever been hit that hard!" or "I actually felt that!" Or "That actually... hurt!"
Hacky writer guys says: "Now the reader will know my new villain is the toughest awesomest villain that Superman has ever faced!"
Thomas says: This is the opposite of the last one, and it's all Doomsday's fault. They don't depower Supes, they make a monster as powerful as him. ANd that can work! But Superman doesn't have to stand around saying "Golly, that smarted me good!" for us to think your villain's a credible threat. Superman's been hit harder than he's ever been hit before more times than I can count in the last 15 years. Shouldn't Superman be fast enough to not get smacked around so damned much?

Over done device 5: Superman's marriage is in trouble! Lets tease a divorce!
Hacky writer guys says: "Yeah, I got nothin'. I've no idea how to write a married Superman."
Thomas says: We know they're not getting divorced, okay? Just let Superman have a happy home life. Those do exist, you know.


You know why I want to marry Grant Morrison? He went the exact opposite route with a lot of those in All Star. He didn't depower Superman to make it easier to create tension, he turned Superman's powers up to 11. Jimmy Olsen story about woman trouble? He doesn't he mope, he writes her name on the freaking moon. God bless Morrison's love of the concept "big."

Did... did Lex Luthor just have sex with a dude?

So in 2000 there was a story wherein Lois becomes increasingly distant and mean to Superman. At one point in this story, the following happens:



Should you not want to click and make that larger, Lois shows up at Lex's office, and it's heavily implied that she's there for some bald evil lovin'. It's never said explicitly, but the conclusion we're meant to draw is obvious.

In the next issue, Luthor mentions Lois' "late night visit" when Lois flies by his office during a fight with Superman. Turns out Lois has a large array of superpowers and hates Superman. Why? Because this Lois is actually the Parasite, a man named Rudy Jones with the ability to absorb the powers and memories of others. He'd recently also developed the ability to mimic the appearance of the person's whose memories he's absorbed.

See, he'd been stalking Jimmy and Lois in an effort to get close to Superman. When he touched Lois, he learned a great deal more than he expected. He took her prisoner and replaced her to torment Superman, first by taking away his marriage, then eventually planning to absorb Superman's powers and kill him.

Later, we find out "Lois" had very personal information of Luthor's, implying the Parasite had physical contact with Lex.

This is the thing: neither he as Lois or Lex ever tell or even imply to Supes or Clark there was any infidelity. He did use information absorbed from Luthor to steal money from him, but he could have come into contact with Luthor in other ways if he'd wanted. So near as I can figure, Rudy had sex with Lex, just because he could.

Too stupid for even SIB to love

SIB, before it descended into a series of rants* detailing how Dan Jurgens is responsible for Hitler's rise to power and how John Byrne invented cancer, was originally intended as a place where I could celebrate things I love about Superman.

I love things like Beppo and Krypto and Mxyzptlk and Bizarro World and stories about superman wearing crazy hats so people won't know he's grown a third eye. Some people have come to believe I hate everything published after 1982 and look upon everything that came before with rose colored glasses. This is not true. While I freely admit to liking a lot of things that are bad, some things even because they're bad, there is one story that is so painfully stupid even I can't love it. Ladies and gentlemen, the Krypto-Mouse.

Obviously a response to Mighty Mouse, that's no excuse. Want some context? Sure you do. There's this kid, and he has a lot of pets. His mom says they gots to go, so he let the little vermin into the walls where it can leave its filth in areas where people dine and carry disease though its parasites. Here, 'enjoy' his origin sequence.

My favorite part of this page? The scientist who lives in next apartment with his freaking ATOM SMASHER. The atom smasher that he has the wherewithal to build/steal/be entrusted with/some how acquire, but CANNOT FREAKING OPERATE! And how common are super-power inducing kryptonite-laser lab mishaps that even this crank knows exactly what will happen as the result of one?

So the kid sees his mouse all giant-like, and instead of freaking the hell out and grabbing a shotgun like all right-thinking individuals would upon seeing a freaking rat that walks like a man bust through their wall, he gives him the Superboy costume he got for his birthday and decides once his mouse, now dubbed Krypto-Mouse, is famous for fighting crime his mom will HAVE to let him keep his pets.

Thing is, he's a mouse. So instead of fighting crime, he goes off and does mouse stuff. Like smashing signs with pictures of cats on them, foiling murder attempts on guys who ratted out the mob disguised and marching in town recreations of The Pied Piper of Hamlin featuring children in giant mouse costumes that look just like Krypto-mouse-


and, I swear to god, stealing cheese.

Some other stuff happens, but no. I'm not going on about this any more. I am full of hate. If you'd like to punish your brain for something, you can read the story here.

---

*All SIB rants are written under a bare bulb in a bunker lined with lead to keep the government's mind control rays out, as all proper manifestos are.

SIB Movie Reviews - Superman: Doomsday

It's weird.

The big fight is cool. It's all very PG-13. Mild cussing. Blood. Lots of it for a moment.

There's a second big fight. It is also cool. But less so.

Lots of death.

All of the character designs are a step up from the Superman TAS/JLU except, sadly enough, Superman.

There's a creepy teenage goth Toyman that sets up a Kevin Smith cameo/in-joke.

Luthor's damn near in love with Superman.

No Reign of the Supermen characters.

The whole thing takes place at night.

Jimmy is a selfish prick.

Ann Heche is awful. Every one else is great. I really dug Adam Baldwin.

The super-mullet is there.

I wouldn't show it to a kid under 13 or 14.

I dunno. It's well done, beautiful animation, great designs, generally good acting, but it's definitely not my kind of Superman story.

The 10 Worst Moments in Superman History, a series

You know how I've been making fun of the thought process/possible pitches behind these? I've tried, but i just can't bend my head around this. I just don't know. Ladies and gentlemen, a scene from the 70s television special, the musical, It's a Bird, It's a Plane... It's Superman!

If you can get through this whole clip, Superman attempts suicide at the end. Try not join him.

I just... I got nothin'. You know what? It is a musical, I'd be remiss if I didn't include a song. So here you go. It's... just watch it and learn to hate the world a little more.

The 10 Worst Moments in Superman History, a series

"So Superman used to have this great dynamic with Lois and Lana. They both wanted him, and he shunned both of them. Way to show them bitches, Supes! Thing is, these days Superman's married to Lois and has a happy, healthy relationship with the woman he loves more than anything, and Lana's moved on to a life of her own, not dependent on Superman to make her feelcomplete. Which is just fucking ridiculous. We all know there are only two kinds of women: emasculating whores and sweet innocent girls who don't know what to do without big strong men in their lives. Good thing there's two ladies in Superman's life! I can show a little variety and use both!"

Action Comics #822

If you're not familiar with Austen's work, there are three things very, very obvious about him: He has serious deep seated issues with organized religion, and he has serious, deep seated issues with women. He also, and he's said this, generally not interested in the properties he's worked with for Marvel and DC, so he warps them to fit his own sensibilities without regard to the property's histories.

When he took over Action Comics, he decided to make things interesting for him. He did this by making Superman an arrogant asshole, and by trying to reintroduce the Lana/Superman/Lois love triangle in the worst, most ridiculous way imaginable. He had Lana leave one of her thongs lying around in the Kents' apartment.

See, Lana's plan was to win Clark over by breaking up his marriage. By making his wife accuse him of sleeping with her. Because that's not stupid at all.

This is the thing, Chuck. Women? There's are approximately 3 billion of them out there. And guess what! That means there are approximately 3 billion kinds of women out there! Not just two! And I'd wager a fair share of them aren't as stupid and shallow as you seem to think all of them are.

Also, another issue in his run has a villain raping a woman to death. Seriously. He then says, "I'll need another female for tonight." I realize that's much worse than the mis-characterization of Lois and Lana, but I really just did not want to go on about that disgusting bit because it genuinely nauseates me. So this is more about the way women were treated in his run in general.

My general point here? Chuck Austen is messed up.

The 10 Worst Moments in Superman History, a series

"Superman has a code against killing. Thing is, why? Because it's wrong and Superman's smart and powerful enough that killing never has to be an option? Because this is a kids book about a hero and heroes shouldn't kill unnecessarily? No, no. That's not good enough. I KNOW! I'll have the code come from his murdering 3 defenseless criminals and then going crazy! Byrnesy, my boy, you are a GENIUS!"

Superman V2 #22

See that cover? Used to see crazy stuff like that all the time in the 60s and 70s. Thing was, back then, it was always a swerve just to draw you in. Not when Byrne got his hands on Superman, though. Oh no. That cover is exactly representative of the comics interior.

I mentioned this before in my history of Zod post (scroll about half way down for the full scoop). In brief, Superman confronts Phantom Zone criminals in another dimension. He defeats them, and robs them of their powers forever. But instead of imprisoning them, he murders them. Byrne claims he did this because Superman's code against killing should be born of something other than the fact that he thinks it's wrong. So I'll just say this again:

SUPERMAN IS BETTER THAN US. IF I KNOW IT'S WRONG TO KILL, I'M PRETTY FREAKING SURE SUPERMAN WOULD HAVE ENOUGH SNAP TO KNOW IT WITHOUT HAVING TO KILL SOME ONE TO FIGURE IT OUT!

Wanna see it? Sure you do. Here's Superman, a hero kids are supposed to aspire to be like and find hope in, deciding it's up to him to kill 3 defenseless criminals and while watching them beg for their lives. As a bonus, the female victim offers to pleasure Superman in exchange for sparing her. Who the hell approves this for a children's comic?! Click it to make it easier to read.


I have rage. I promise something fun and not bitchy soon. And no complaining about Byrne for at least a week. I promise.

The 10 Worst Moments in Superman History, a series

"Let's see, I've been given freedom to tell my kind of stories with Superman, ones that will really connect with the modern reader and put Superman back on top! What can I do?

Oh! I've got it! I'll put him in porn!"
Action Comics #593

This issue's been covered and mocked and stood in awe of a million times on the internet, so I'll keep this short. A villain from Apokolips kidnaps Barda, superhero and wife of fellow superhero Mr Miracle. He hypnotizes her and starts filming her doing porn. Yeah. Same villain grabs Superman and does the same because he thinks, "I'm making a fortune with one superhero, but what if I had two!"

Seriously, what the hell were you thinking Byrne? And who the hell approved this? On what the hell planet is this an acceptable story for children?

Want to see Byrne's lame ass defense of the story?

In the ACTION COMICS two-part storyline involving Big Barda, Miracle Man and a character called Sleez, it appears that Sleez was trying to film a pornographic film involving Superman and Big Barda. Is that right? Did Superman and Barda actually make the porno?

JB: If you want it to be a porno flick, it was a porno flick. If you don't, it wasn't! (8/31/2005)

Superman snapped out of the hypnosis before actually sleeping with Barda due to his strong moral fiber. Barda didn't though, because apparently deep down she wants to cheat on her husband on camera.

Jack Kirby hated this story, by the way. (And by all accounts generally thought Byrne was a douchebag all around.) He felt it was an inappropriate use of his characters and Superman. Fun fact: Kirby modeled aspects of Barda's personality on his wife. Barda. The character Byrne put in porn. And Byrne claims to not understand why Kirby didn't like the story.

Edit to add: You really should read the comments on this one, Russell knocks it out of the park.

The 10 Worst Moments in Superman History, a series

"So then Richard Pryor exposes Superman to imperfect synthetic kryptonite which causes him to become a drunken asshole!"
Superman III

No jokes or explanation, that's exactly what happened.

The 10 Worst Moments in Superman History, a series

"So get this, Superboy's going on a rampage against a bunch of DC's superheroes. He's kickin' and zappin' and punchin'. One the heroes he punches? Some forgotten Teen Titan. And he punches her so hard, he knocks her freaking head off!! Now we know he means business!"
Infinite Crisis #7


Man. Okay, so DC's latest big crossover, Infinite Crisis, needed a villain. Well, big cosmic villains have been done. They needed some one with more personal reasons for wanting to make DC continuity make even less sense. Some one you'd never expect to see ripping arms off. So what'd they do? They took Superboy Prime, a Superboy from another world created for the first Crisis crossover, and had him go nuts because, get this, the world was too dark and he wanted to make the world perfect so he could be Superman there.

First step? Go after Kon El, the current Superboy and let him know he's been replaced. But because he's crazy, a fight ensues. Thing is, Kon El's a Titan, so every one comes out to help their friend. And Superboy Prime, a version of Superboy, the picture of innocent fun super hero stories, slaughters them.

You know, I got no problem with gore in comics. I love zombie flicks, I'd be a giant hypocrite if I went on about the genius of Romero and then decried something like it in comics. My problem is using freaking Superman characters to tell this kind of story. These were kids characters once. I don't want to see this for the same reason I don't want to see Bugs Bunny take a chainsaw to Foghorn Legohorn and wallow in the resulting viscera or see Goofy rape Minnie Mouse.

This thing isn't any kind of uncommon at DC today. It would be nice if I could share my comics with my nephews without worrying they might see Superboy burning a superhero in half with his heat vision.


They sure are, kid.

Alex Ross and Jim Krueger's Justice

Jim Krueger: So here's the pitch, Dan. It's a JLA story, only set in in the Super Friends world.

Alex Ross: Challenge of the Super Friends. None of that silly BS from the regular Super Friends. I'm a serious artist.

Jim Krueger: Right Alex. Thank you for correcting me Alex.

Alex Ross: And...

Jim Kruger: And my career in comics, Alex. Thank you for my career in comics. So get this, Dan, it's the Legion Of Doom vs the Super Friends, BUT! the art is rendered so darkly you can barely make it out.

Alex Ross: I assure you the art will remain as stiff and flat as Hanna Barbara and God intended, though.

Jim Kruger: Yes! You truly are a man of vision, Alex. But that's not all, this is where we're really thinking outside of the box, it's the Super Friends, BUT! there's sex and blood!

Dan Didio: Sold.

Superman's a rock star

Superman is an immediately recognizable and powerful figure. He's a bundle of fantasies every one has had; we all wish we could fly, or see through walls or hear conversations miles away.

Because he's a familiar dream, hacky songwriters looking for a lazy analogy have abused him like Michael Moore abuses ham; grossly and for decades. There are approximately 50 million songs that reference or are about Superman. They're almost all bad.

And now you have to listen to them.

(If you're reading this from work, be warned some of the language and links in this one aren't family friendly.)

---

Song: Jimmy Olsen's Blues by The Spin Doctors

Sample lyrics:
He's leaping buildings in a single bound
I'm reading shakespeare at my place downtown
Come on downtown and make love to me
I'm jimmy olsen not a titan, you see
He's faster than a bullet, stronger than a train
He's the one who got lucky got his cape around miss lois lane

Why I hate it:
The amount of airplay this song got in the early 90s ranks amongst humanity's most baffling and heinous crimes. The basic premise of the song is that Jimmy envies Superman's relationship with Lois and wants her for himself. He then proceeds to whine about it, the gist of his argument being that Lois should be with him because he's not as good as Superman. That's stupid. You're stupid, Spin Doctors.

If you're wondering whatever happened to these guys, I heard John Popper of Blues Traveler ate them when the tour bus they were sharing stalled on its way to Arby's.

Is that my second fat joke in this already? I may have some self-loathing issues.

---

Song: Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down

Sample lyrics:
I took a walk around the world to
Ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere
In the sands of time
I watched the world float to the dark
Side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah

Why I hate it:
Oh what the hell does that mean? NOTHING, that's what. The chorus goes on about how awesome the guy is, then all out of now where he yells KRYPTONITE! For no reason!

I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman might. Kryptonite!

If you can explain the lyrics to this song to me in a way that makes them not seem like the most retarded thing that was ever retarded, I will give you one million dollars and sleep with you many, many times.

---

Song: Even Superman Shot Himself by Powerman 5000 (You owe youtube a thank you for not having this one.)

Sample lyrics:
Takin' you out superhero style your finger's on the trigger
Wishing you were bigger all the while you've got the soul with rigor mortis
Like Travis Bickle said, "Suck on this"
You've got the soul with rigor mortis
Suck on this
The grip on the neck and the snake bite kiss

Why I hate it:
Really Powerman 5000? That's what you want to put out there with your name on it? Powerman 5000 is the band headed by Rob Zombie's little brother. See why nepotism is bad? You get a relative a job and he just embarrasses you. And when you're Rob Zombie, the guy who wrote a song called "Pussy Liquor," that's a pretty damned amazing feat.

I think this song is about George Reeves heavily disputed death, which may or may not have been a suicide. I don't know, it was hard to tell through all the stupid.

---

Song: Superman by Eminem (really, really not work safe)

Sample lyrics:
They call me Superman,
Leap tall hos in a single bound,
I'm single now,
Got no ring on this finger now,
I'll never let another chick bring me down,
In a relationship, save it bitch, babysit? you make me sick,
Superman ain't savin' shit, girl you can jump on Shady's dick

Why I hate it:
Now there's just no call for that. We get it, Eminem, you're ridiculously insecure and have to tell the world how you don't need them bitches because you're such a man. Please stop.

---

Song: Superman's Song by Crash Test Dummies

Sample lyrics:
Superman never made any money
For saving the world from Solomon Grundy
And sometimes I despair the world will never see
Another man like him

Why I hate it:
Because admitting I actually like a Crash Test Dummies song is embarrassing as hell. But it mentions Solomon Grundy! That's pretty cool, right? And that Mmmm Mmmm song they did? That was pretty big song for a while there, you remember that, don't you?

You know what, screw you, I don't have to justify myself to you.

---

Song: Superman (It's Not Easy) by Five For Fighting

Sample lyrics: Oh you're getting all the words to this one. Because listening to these songs has filled me with hate.

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird...i’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away...away from me
It’s all right...you can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy...or anything...

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me
Inside me
Yeah, inside me
Inside of me

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
I’m only a man
Looking for a dream

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
And it’s not easy, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm...

Its not easy to be me

Why I hate it:
The whiniest lyrics I've ever heard sung by a man in a falsetto. And that's douchiest haircut I've seen all day, Five For Fighting singer guy. The only fighting these guys are doing is fighting is the urge to put on little frilly dresses and discuss their feelings. Man the hell up.

---

So there we have it. Pop music uses Superman to rape your ears. Bad pop music! Bad!




PS. I love this.