Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I support the arts

Ali Spagnola painted a picture of Superman punching a robot for me.

In her post she called Superman a robophobe and insisted that the robot only wanted to help, but I think that's a dirty lie because she's a filthy robot sympathizer and the only thing a robot with a cannon and saw blade for hands wants to help with is the destruction of humanity.

If you go to her site and ask politely she will paint something for you, too. For free!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Pray i don't use them on you

I have freaky brain powers. I do. I control what happens in the Superman comics.

I post an image of Superman fighting Cthulu and declare it amazing? BAM! Superman starts fightin' Cthulu.

I start a fund raiser to help out sick kids? BAM! Superman's helping out kids with cancer in All Star.

I complain about grim and gritty Toyman? BAM! It's undone.

I say John Byrne comics stink (no link, just look for every other post here), and BAM! His career is now a limping shadow of what it once was.

Okay, that one I've been willing into reality since long before I started SIB. But you can't argue with results!

Now I know what you're thinking. You're all worried Terra Man and the Super mobile are going to start showing up in every issue of Superman. Well don't. Terra Man's not showing up until I get to pitch my Terra Man mini. And it will be AWESOME. I will let you in on some other stuff though, because SIB loves you.

Now that I've blown your mind with evidence you cannot argue against, seriously, don't even try, I locked it DOWN, I offer you FIVE PREDICTIONS FOR THE FUTURE OF SUPERMAN COMICS!

Within one year:

Lois Lane will continue to be drawn more and more like Margot Kidder until an issue concludes with her being found naked and coked out of her mind in a stranger's back yard.

Superman will ride a dinosaur, as he frequently does at Chris Haley Conquers the Impossible.

Brainiac will give Superman a dunce cap at some point in the current Brainiac arc in Action Comics.

Chuck Austen will be tied up in a bag and thrown into a river. Then fired out of a cannon into the sun.

Dan Didio will be put in the same cannon, but it will explode in a horrible mess of gore which many will describe as poetic given that DC comics under his supervision have been overwhelmed with gratuitous gore and violence. But not me. I'll just describe it as gross and complain about how things used to be better when we didn't actually see the comic creators fired out of cannons to gruesome deaths and only heard reference to it in-panel.

You heard it here first.

Friday, June 13, 2008

From the desk of

Prison pen pal therapy. A first step in helping hardened criminals re-acquaint themselves with societal convention through limited controlled interaction with the wider public. People write those on the path to rehabilitation, and they write back. They live, they laugh, they love in ink and paper. I share with you now letters from Stryker's Prison Metahuman Containment Facility.

From the desk of: The greatest criminal flame of our age!

Fortunate Fool,
You, through the insistence of the outmoded and flawed "justice" system you peons refuse to abandon, have gained the most precious and valuable of all opportunities. A chance to question and be enlightened by the greatest mind of this or any other age. A chance to find and save for posterity what all else are too microcephallic to comprehend. A chance to be a small part of the Luthor Legacy!

Make with your questions that I may better an undeserving world through your clumsy hands.

Lex Luthor, Genius

Post Script: Should you happen to see Superman, please spit on him for me. Try to chew some Kryptonite first.

From the desk of: The greatest criminal flame of our age!

Insipid Ant,
This is how you waste my time? With the crayon scratchings of an inbred freak! Using no more than three aspirin, a copper penny and the remote control to the mind numbing glowing box you undoubtedly spend most of your life devolving in front of, I could rend the fabric of four dimensional space! But do you ask me to better mankind's pathetic and miserable existence? Do you ask me for help with issues of substance and weight? IMBECILE!

In answer to your questions, yes, I could do something about the fact that your bus driver smells like "dirty feet and hot baloney" and make it easier for you to acquire your prescription undergarments. But I refuse to debase myself in such a manner, no matter its bearing on my next parole hearing.

With the utmost disgust and contempt,
Lex Luthor, without intellectual peer

Post Script: How goes Operation: Kryptonite Loogie?

From the desk of
: The greatest criminal flame of our age!

Lowly Wretched Thing,
I can only deduce by the contents of your last letter that mail tampering is the latest in the series of injustices and barbarisms visited upon my person by this squalid hellhole. The contents of the unaltered letter created by my hand made no invitation for you to describe in such detail your "lazy bladder."

I must also address your comments concerning "the cuffs matching the collar." Despite your having no business with that information to begin with, I assure you aesthetics have nothing to do with that decision and it is purely for the sake of my position on the prison swim team.

Finally, I must insist that you do not again refer to me as "Sex Youmore." I have never participated in film making of any kind, particularly any of that sort.

With no end of loathing,
Lex Luthor, amongst the blind and stupid
Post Script: While kryptonite is far from hard to obtain, it is not always easy to get within spitting range of that cursed alien. Having seen the faculties available to you I realize now it was a duty too great to ask of you. I task you now with this: Provide me with $20 so that I might purchase things in the prison commissary. I've come up with plans to create a cigarette that actually cures cancer, but lack materials with which to begin my work.

From the desk of: The greatest criminal flame of our age!

He who gives lie to the heart of Darwin,

These are to be the final words bringing light into your gray little life, you mouth breathing manchild. It seems my request that you provide me with the funds to purchase the cigarettes that would have prevented the attempted shanking of my person by Chicken Grease Johnny and Lil' Roy have violated the pen pal program's rules. I had hoped to settle this dispute amicably (let it never be said Luthor does not know mercy) but now it seems I must destroy them both utterly.

As for you, you disgusting goo of a man, I thank you. You have reaffirmed my superiority in ways no one else could have. Upon the day of my ascension to my destined position as ruler of this sorry world, as reward you will know the simple pleasure of dry undergarments and efficient public transportation. Then you and all like you will be eliminated. Eugenics may be distasteful to some, but I guarantee results.
With finality and confidence,
Lex Luthor, Super Genius

Post Script: In response to your last letter, yes I do know the Joker. No, I will not forward to him the photos of you in the unfortunately stained Harley Quinn costume, you deviant.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I bet you've forgotten all about me by now

Hey guys. This is a post of random things. Like the picture at right I stole from one of my favoritest blogs ever, Super Punch.

I'm gonna keep the blog going. The old content, funny stuff, I hope, and not just train wreck fund raisers.

Posts are sporadic because i've a lot going on right now. I've got a new job. It stinks. I'm half moved, half at my old place. It's kind of awkward.

I've been reading lots of funny books lately. Lots of Superman stuff. Tales Of Bizarro World is hilarious, and it's got a great bit written by one of the Seinfeld writers at the beginning. Jerry Siegel wrote the stories and I discovered I'd vastly under appreciated his comedic abilities.

I saw some summer movies. Indy Jones was at least on par with Temple of Doom. I'll hear no different. Iron Man rocked it right. I need to catch Speed racer before it's out of theatres entirely. That's wholly off topic for the blog. Sorry.

Oh! I got this!

Sovereign of the Seas in my grubby mitts! Behold his poorly photographed glory. Nuts to you, Mattel's dodgey shipping policies! I also got the rest of the wave, including Superman Red to make this a tiny bit on topic. Every figure in the line is excellent, and I got them thanks to Ryan of Comics Conspiracy. Because he is a saint. He has stuff and you should buy said stuff from him.

That's about it. Things will be rolling around here again soon. I hope some one's still reading this. Say hi so I don't feel like I'm talking to myself!