Prison pen pal therapy. A first step in helping hardened criminals re-acquaint themselves with societal convention through limited controlled interaction with the wider public. People write those on the path to rehabilitation, and they write back. They live, they laugh, they love in ink and paper. I share with you now letters from Stryker's Prison Metahuman Containment Facility.
From the desk of: The greatest criminal flame of our age!
Fortunate Fool,
You, through the insistence of the outmoded and flawed "justice" system you peons refuse to abandon, have gained the most precious and valuable of all opportunities. A chance to question and be enlightened by the greatest mind of this or any other age. A chance to find and save for posterity what all else are too microcephallic to comprehend. A chance to be a small part of the Luthor Legacy!
Make with your questions that I may better an undeserving world through your clumsy hands.
Sincerely,
Lex Luthor, Genius
Post Script: Should you happen to see Superman, please spit on him for me. Try to chew some Kryptonite first.
From the desk of: The greatest criminal flame of our age!
Insipid Ant,
This is how you waste my time? With the crayon scratchings of an inbred freak! Using no more than three aspirin, a copper penny and the remote control to the mind numbing glowing box you undoubtedly spend most of your life devolving in front of, I could rend the fabric of four dimensional space! But do you ask me to better mankind's pathetic and miserable existence? Do you ask me for help with issues of substance and weight? IMBECILE!With the utmost disgust and contempt,
In answer to your questions, yes, I could do something about the fact that your bus driver smells like "dirty feet and hot baloney" and make it easier for you to acquire your prescription undergarments. But I refuse to debase myself in such a manner, no matter its bearing on my next parole hearing.
Lex Luthor, without intellectual peer
Post Script: How goes Operation: Kryptonite Loogie?
From the desk of: The greatest criminal flame of our age!
Lowly Wretched Thing,
I can only deduce by the contents of your last letter that mail tampering is the latest in the series of injustices and barbarisms visited upon my person by this squalid hellhole. The contents of the unaltered letter created by my hand made no invitation for you to describe in such detail your "lazy bladder."
I must also address your comments concerning "the cuffs matching the collar." Despite your having no business with that information to begin with, I assure you aesthetics have nothing to do with that decision and it is purely for the sake of my position on the prison swim team.
Finally, I must insist that you do not again refer to me as "Sex Youmore." I have never participated in film making of any kind, particularly any of that sort.
With no end of loathing,
Lex Luthor, amongst the blind and stupid
Post Script: While kryptonite is far from hard to obtain, it is not always easy to get within spitting range of that cursed alien. Having seen the faculties available to you I realize now it was a duty too great to ask of you. I task you now with this: Provide me with $20 so that I might purchase things in the prison commissary. I've come up with plans to create a cigarette that actually cures cancer, but lack materials with which to begin my work.
From the desk of: The greatest criminal flame of our age!
He who gives lie to the heart of Darwin,
These are to be the final words bringing light into your gray little life, you mouth breathing manchild. It seems my request that you provide me with the funds to purchase the cigarettes that would have prevented the attempted shanking of my person by Chicken Grease Johnny and Lil' Roy have violated the pen pal program's rules. I had hoped to settle this dispute amicably (let it never be said Luthor does not know mercy) but now it seems I must destroy them both utterly.With finality and confidence,
As for you, you disgusting goo of a man, I thank you. You have reaffirmed my superiority in ways no one else could have. Upon the day of my ascension to my destined position as ruler of this sorry world, as reward you will know the simple pleasure of dry undergarments and efficient public transportation. Then you and all like you will be eliminated. Eugenics may be distasteful to some, but I guarantee results.
Lex Luthor, Super Genius
Post Script: In response to your last letter, yes I do know the Joker. No, I will not forward to him the photos of you in the unfortunately stained Harley Quinn costume, you deviant.
3 comments:
This is the funniest thing I've read in weeks. Bravo, good sir!
LMFAO.
I too must now confess to lacking dry undergarments, thanks to these letters. XD
I am glad you enjoyed it, Andy. You are a comedy snob of the highest caliber (a sincere compliment), and I'm pleased with myself for having entertained you. The whole thing is built around the name "Chicken Grease Johnny" which I thought up and wanted to use some where.
And I hope you wipe down your computer chair, Pariah.
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