It could have been worse: Part 2, Superman Returns

This is a long one, folks.

Before Singer eventually made his film, there were a ridiculous number of failed attempts to get a sixth Superman theatrical feature made. This is some info I gathered together around the time of Superman Returns debut, and it's a trainwreck. Enjoy!

We'll start with some concept art, because it's quick and easy to look at and cringe, and later we'll see some more detailed descriptions of the stories these monstrosities come from.

First we have Tim Burton's failed film (source of the image at left). Burton's Superman was going to be something of a freak, whose motivation for helping was others was the hope they would like him. To get the full effect here, imagine Nick Cage in that suit.

There were a few versions of the suit. A quote from one of the guys who helped design this whatever it is: "For the climactic fight sequence I needed to create a fierce 'battle logo' for Superman which could be pulled apart and utilized as knife weapons. Prior to this series of scenes Superman is killed by the villain then brought back to life within the fortress of solitude so that he can face the villain with renewed strength.

I never want to see the phrase "fierce battle logo" again. Not happy with only ruining Superman himself, he had to go all Tim Burton on the villains, too.

Burton's Brainiac. This looks like HR Giger got drunk and humped his drawing board.

Doomsday version 1. Looks nothing like Doomsday, and is wearing tiny underpants. Because he's a modest monster.

Doomsday version 2. I don't hate this. It's a neat looking monster, and you can kinda see the comic design in it.

Before Burton came along, there was Kevin Smith's Superman Lives script (pre-Burton/Cage).

A new costume design, it's not as "holy hell what is that?" as the Burton stuff, but it's still pretty bad.

The Fortress of Solitude. Meh.

Brainiac's ship, which looks some sort of robot space fish.

Another design, Brainiac's skull ship, which is pretty great.

The last major effort before Superman Returns got the go ahead was JJ Abrams nightmare of a script; some images-

Krypton designs; uno, dos, tres, cuatro. I freely admit to loving the first one because it's based on the Hall of Justice. The others are okay, but really just kinda look Star Wars prequelly.

From the same film, some ships from Krypton. Ones used to invade the Earth. Because that happens in this film. Krypton invades Earth.
Spiders are the fiercest killers in the animal kingdom. Also note the crappy shield.
Kinda generic flying thing.
Some sort of flying moped that vaguely resembles a high heel.
And finally, Baby Kal's rocket. It looks like a mouse from some weird Mac.

I know what you're thinking, that wasn't all bad. But those are just some visuals. Wait until you hear about the stories. There were lots of ideas that made it to various stages of production; like a campy Batman and Robin/Joel Schumacher style film, or the Superman/Batman team up (script here; pdf format). The most famous ones are the ones that got far enough along to have concept art you just saw.

Kevin's Smith's script was based on the Death and Return of Superman. It actually isn't bad, given what it is. You can read the script here. Normally, I'm not a big fan of Smith, but this video where he describes his time working on the film is pretty great, you really should watch it, because it's sad and hilarious:



That eventually evolved into Burton's film, based on a script by Dan Gilroy. There are plots from two different versions out there. One is bad:

The film starts on Krypton, where Jor-El is working on a computer called Brainiac. However, once Kal-El is born, Jor-El abandons his work to spend time with his son. Brainiac is jealous of Kal-El, so he destroys Krypton... but not before Kal-El escapes. Brainiac vows to hunt down Kal-El and kill him.

Flash forward 30 years. Lex Luthor's LexCorp company discovers that a UFO crash-landed in Smallville. Lois investigates the story and discovers that the shuttlecraft landed on the Kent farm, forcing Superman--who she's been having a full-blown affair with--to reveal his secret identity to her. (And since he has no clue to his origins, this whole spaceship thing comes as a shock to Superman.) Brainiac comes to Earth with Doomsday in tow, merges with Luthor to become "Lexiac," and takes over LexCorp. Luring Superman to the LexCorp tower, Lexiac sics Doomsday on the Man of Steel, and the two kill each other in battle. Lexiac then confiscates the world's nukes and tries to seduce Lois. Meanwhile, Superman is revived by "K," the still-living, combined essence of Jor-El and Lara. Initially powerless upon his rebirth, Superman uses sheer willpower to regain his lost powers. A final fight ensues, in which Superman separates Luthor and Brainiac with one second left on the nuclear clock. In the end, Superman becomes fully aware of his alien origins, saves the world...and finds out that Lois is pregnant with his kid!

The second makes me hate humanity:

Several details of the script are unknown, but what has been confirmed is that it was loosely based on "The Death of Superman" story. The script features an insecure Clark Kent unable to admit his feelings for the human woman of whom he is fond, Lois Lane. Before he is able to resolve those feelings with her, Doomsday appears to challenge him. Just as in the comics, they fight to their respective deaths. As Superman dies in Lois' arms, he finally confesses his feelings to her. Unbeknownst to either of them, this final confession not only releases his soul from his body, but said soul enters the body of Lois. She soon discovers that she is pregnant with Superman's child. Days later, the child is born and within the span of three weeks, he grows into the body of a 21-year-old man. As Lois is killed in the middle of the film (by what has not been confirmed, but some reports list it as the resurrected Doomsday), the new-born assumes his birthright as the new Superman and defeats the villain, saving the world.

Some more gems concerning Burton's Superman, from this great article (be warned, that article's very long, but also very interesting):

Burton hated the flying FX in the 1978 film, too, so he didn’t want Superman to fly. Instead, he put Superman in a Supermobile. (Seven years later, AICN revealed that Burton and Peters had also planned on having Superman teleport from place to place in lieu of flying.)
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But the most controversial thing Burton did was brag to a radio news service in Texas during an interview that he intended to play up "Superman’s darker, more murderous side" and that he hoped Cage was up to the task of portraying that aspect of Superman.
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A partially translucent suit that would allow full view of Superman’s internal organs, as reported by Cinescape in late 1997 as Burton’s plans for the film kicked into high gear. (Although word from within the Burton camp confirmed that Burton was indeed hoping to do this, the design was apparently never committed to paper—leaving some people following the project wondering if Burton was really going to use the translucent suit or if it was just a hoax. Nevertheless, Burton’s diehard fans adored the idea, praising it as total genius and the height of coolness. Superman fans, on the other hand, were left scratching their heads over it.)


That project fell apart for a number of reasons; Cage and Burton disagreeing about things, studio issues with Burton, the fact that God loves me and didn't want me choking Tim Burton to death.

Finally there was the script by Lost and Alias creator, JJ Abrams. Abrams' script, (reviewed here at Ain't It Cool News, and downloadable here; pdf format). It is pretty amazingly bad. It has as little to do with the classic Superman as Burton's Superman.

It features, and I'm not making any of this up,

Superman's birth parents alive and well on a Krypton that never exploded.
A living symbiotic Superman suit.
A Kryptonian Luthor working for the CIA and fronting an invasion from Krypton.
A gay Jimmy Olsen mocked by an apparently homophobic Perry White.
The whole thing ending with Superman dying, Jor El sensing his death and committing suicide so he can go to heaven and convince Superman to live again so he can fly to Krypton and save it.
Oh, and at one point Justin Timberlake was offered the role of Superman.

So there we have it, Superman Returns, for all its faults, is far and away the least of all possible evils here.*

By the by, there was a good Superman script. It was called Superman: The Man of Steel.




*When I first saw Superman Returns, I loved it. More and more, though, the details lose me. I think it works perfectly as an extension of the characters we see in the first two films, and there's a lot of magic in some of those scenes, but there's a lot that's off as well. Still, I hope the sequel is better.